Take a walk. Build the blanket fort. “Fly” with your arms out like an airplane. The messes can be cleaned up later, but the memories will last a lifetime and prepare your children for life outside of your home.
By Dawn Kocina
After a long day filled with work, chores, and the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and stretched thin. The last thing you want to do is cook dinner, do the laundry, walk the dog, check math homework…the list goes on. And the kids have said your name so many times you’re pretty sure they have an imaginary mom (it happens to the best of us).
While every day seems busier than the last, with more packed into each hour, many parents are laden with a heavy sense of guilt. Did I spend enough time with my child? Have I taught them how to problem-solve or recognize their emotions? Should we take that vacation?
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
The prevalence of social media — not just the scrolling, but the presentation of “perfect” families — seems to have amplified these feelings. But we’re in luck — research has shown that the quality of time spent with our children far outweighs the quantity of time. Insert sigh of relief here.
So, what is intentional time anyway?
We’re glad you asked.
Our idea of intentional time is quite simple. Dedicated periods of time in which individuals or families engage in activities while being fully present and focused on the moment. The “intention” portion of “intentional time” refers to the goal. For families, this goal may be to foster a deeper connection and nurture relationships.
There is no set time minimum or maximum here, it’s whatever works best for your family. This can be anything from family meals to ice cream outings (Armadillo’s anyone?). Whatever you choose, make sure you’re allocating time to be present and focused on your kiddos. That’s really all they need.
Intentional time for aging populations
Intentional time is great for childhood development, but benefits extend far beyond those young in age. Our aging population also benefits from focused time spent with loved ones. In fact, it may help prolong, and even strengthen, their mental acuity. The National Institute on Aging reports that “findings from observational studies suggest that some informal mentally stimulating activities, such as reading or playing games, may lower the risk of Alzheimer’s-related cognitive impairment and dementia.”
Don’t take our word for it
We spoke with Katy Kinnan, mom of four and Director of Outreach at Fountain Springs Church, to get her take on intentional time. Here’s what she had to say:
Quality time creates a sense of belonging, it creates a level of confidence. That’s really all our kids — not just kids, grandmas and grandpas, too — are really seeking. Use these moments to build a bridge of trust. That way, when tough times do happen, our children know that no matter what happens, we’re here and we love you. They can always come home and we can work through it together.
I don’t mean home as a physical structure. Our goal as parents has always been that wherever we are, that’s home. We are the place our children can come to when things are tough or they need to work through something or they have questions. Life will just happen. We’ll feel like there’s not enough time in the day. But decide to make time for family and make a habit of it. Be available. Be open. Ask questions. Some of ours include: What was the best part of your day? What was the hardest part of your day? What’s something you’re looking forward to tomorrow?
We strive to teach our kids to value communication, rest, and connection and to prioritize these things. To teach our kids these values, we have to model them, invite them in, and make them a normal part of our life. Help your kids find what’s restful for them, take the time to spend time doing the things they love with them. The greatest gift we can give our children, in my opinion, is a village of support.
My mom always said that if one of our children, ever, at any age, comes to us and wants to tell us a story, whether you’re reading the newspaper or looking at your phone, put it all down and look at them. That eye contact and the responsiveness in your voice, that undivided focus, there’s so much power in that. I’ve seen that it creates more independence in our kids because they know that when they need something or they need advice, they know that they can come to us. It’s like building the boat before it rains.
That goes for our aging relatives and neighbors, too. There’s a parallel between children and the elderly with the loss of independence, and the elderly feel it as loneliness because they remember what it felt like to be needed. These individuals were leaders in our communities and they have been through so much of what we’re going through now, but society tends to sideline them. Sometimes, we have to go to them. Include them, listen to them. A quote that stuck with me recently was, “These are the good old days.” And it’s true. These are the moments and days that we’re going to repeat to our family when we’re 80 or 90. So let’s live them well.
We also spoke with Elizabeth Miller, MA, Licensed Practicing Counselor with Rapid City Counselors, to get her take on intentional time. Here’s what she had to say:
A lot of things could be handled or managed better if we dedicated a little bit of time every day. We spend a lot of our time in the car, driving from one place to another. Make a list of games you could play in the car and then let the kids take turns picking what they want to play. Sitting around the dinner table, ask questions like, what’s the most interesting thing that you’ve ever seen in your life? What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard? What did your friends say about your weekend plans, or what you did last weekend? Engaging, open-ended questions.
I think as parents, we need to figure out when our kids do open up. For instance, maybe they’re learning to drive, they talk and talk and talk. Maybe they just need an ice cream date, or take them for a coffee if they need to feel grownup. Go spend some time in their room with them in their space. Get to know what kind of music they like, just spending some time with them.
Studies have shown that children who experienced quality time with trusted adults in formative years were more socially and academically engaged, and less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol. Kids are learning trust, what the parents deem as a standard or a value. Give them a sense of accountability. All kids really want is to be seen, to belong, to be heard, to be validated.
To help kids develop their emotional IQ and teach them that they have a voice for what they’re feeling, ask questions like: Where does it hurt if you’re angry or sad? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Do your fists ball up or your shoulders go tight? Are you grinding your teeth? What does that emotion look like? Start teaching these things as early as you can, so they’re just growing up with it. It’s important to teach kids what their emotions look like and that they have control of their own emotions.
With regard to aging populations, I think we’re made for relationships, I don’t think we’re made to be alone. Encouraging that focused time and teaching your kids to go do that with you, to reduce that feeling of loneliness, it can help to improve and prolong quality of life.
I quite often say “trust the process.” We have to work through stuff in the process of where we’re trying to get, that’s where we grow.
Not sure where to start? We made a list:
•Gardening or yard work (Grandma loves to garden? Perfect, gardening with Gran it is)
•Reading stories with little ones or family book club with older kids
•Cleaning, cooking, or doing laundry — it may take extra time, but you’re also building life skills
•Building blanket forts
•Yoga — seriously, kids love yoga!
•Dance parties
•Backyard campouts
•Taking a walk, even just around the neighborhood or to the mailbox
•If your kiddo likes video games, grab a controller and dive into a little friendly competition (try to squeeze in some conversation where you can)
•Arts & crafts of all kinds (check out the BHF Craft Corner for ideas)
•Movie night at home (extra points for popcorn with chocolate chips)
•Family dinner — with no electronics — as often as possible
•Car games while driving to school or activities
•Ice cream, hot cocoa, or smoothie outings
•A trip to your local library
•Have a picnic