By Stephen Simpson
The holidays can transform some of winter’s coldest, darkest days into moments filled with warmth and light, as familiar sights, sounds, and scents transport us back to joy-filled memories.
But these same powerful holiday feelings — when paired with grief — can leave us with a particularly intense feeling of pain.
The Firsts
Stephanie Dyck knows something about that feeling. A funeral director and certified trauma-informed grief coach at Kirk Funeral Home, Stephanie has spent much of her life helping families navigate death and grief. But her understanding of grief became personal in a new way when her grandmother died unexpectedly in 2024. “My grandma was my rock, my person, my everything,” she said. “I was like, ‘I don’t know how to live in this world without this woman.’” That experience led Stephanie to pursue grief coaching, adding another layer to the work she was already doing as a funeral director.
Her perspective is especially helpful during the holidays because grief doesn’t follow the calendar. In fact, the holidays can be difficult precisely because they are so full of memories and traditions. “The first Thanksgiving without someone. The first Christmas without the person who always put up the decorations. The first holiday meal with an empty chair at the table. The first year, you’re in a fog,” Stephanie said. “You’re hurting, but you also almost feel this pressure to go through all the motions.” Stephanie encourages grieving people to give themselves permission to do the holidays differently.
Permission for Different
Maybe that means saying no to an invitation. Maybe it means attending a gathering for an hour instead of staying all evening. Maybe it means changing a tradition for a year. “Giving yourself permission to not rush through the process is such a big thing.”
That permission also applies to grief itself. “Grief isn’t the enemy,” Stephanie said. “We love to make it the enemy, but grief is actually packed full of love — but it’s just so darn hard.” Rather than trying to get rid of grief, she helps people to learn how to live alongside it. “You get to choose how you navigate your own grief journey,” she said.
The holidays and other special days can be a minefield for grief, but Stephanie warns that grief won’t necessarily wait for the holidays, either. “Grief doesn’t care if it’s a random Tuesday,” she said. It might hit in the grocery store, while driving to work or while hearing a song that suddenly brings someone back to mind. Sometimes, she said, the anticipation of a difficult day can actually be worse than the day itself.
Cheers!
The holidays can also become an opportunity to remember our loved ones. For Stephanie, that means continuing small traditions connected to her grandmother. Her grandmother used to pick her up from school and take her to Dairy Queen on Fridays. Now Stephanie sometimes does the same thing with her own children. “We all raise our Blizzards in the air, and we’re like, ‘OK, here you go, Grandma,’” she said.
Other people might hang a memorial ornament, make a loved one’s favorite dish, volunteer for a cause they cared about or simply tell stories about them. “You need to find what’s right for you,” Stephanie said. “How do you want to honor your person?”
What to Say
Friends and family members have a role to play, too. And they don’t necessarily need to have the perfect thing to say. Sometimes they just need to show up. Instead of asking a grieving friend, “Is there anything I can do?” Stephanie suggests paying attention and doing something. Bring dinner. Do the dishes. Order their favorite pizza. Sit with them.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she said. “You just be there.” And if someone who is grieving seems different this Christmas, don’t avoid them. “The person might already feel awkward,” Stephanie said. “But avoiding it makes them think, ‘My grief or talking about my person is maybe making this an unsafe space for me.’”
Instead, put in the effort to create a warm welcome. “Let them know we want you here,” she said. “Let them know that however you show up, you’re safe.” That may be one of the most important gifts we can give someone during the holidays. Not an attempt to fix their grief. Not pressure to cheer up. Just room to be where they are.
Because grief isn’t a failure to move forward. It is part of what happens when someone we love is no longer here. “You’re never going to stop loving them,” Stephanie said. “So you’re never going to stop missing them, and it’s never going to stop hurting.” And maybe that means grief isn’t something that needs to be fixed. Maybe, in its own profound way, it is evidence that the person we miss matters and is loved.
You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone
If you’re navigating a loss, Stephanie and the team at Kirk Funeral Home are available to help you find your next step. Through grief coaching, community grief groups and one-on-one support, Kirk offers resources for people who are grieving, whether their loss is recent or happened years ago.
To connect with Stephanie or learn more about upcoming grief groups and other resources, visit Kirk Funeral Home’s website or reach out to the funeral home directly at (605) 343-4808.
Meet Stephanie
Stephanie Dyck has been working in funeral homes since she was 15. Her interest began even earlier, after her great-grandfather, who lived next door to her family in northern New Mexico, died suddenly when she was 5. That early experience sparked a curiosity about funeral work that eventually became a calling. Today, she is a funeral director and a certified trauma-informed grief coach at Kirk Funeral Home.